filipino jokes
August 6th, 2006 by admin
hi mga gwapa nako na mga kapamilya..ako i bahin kaninyo ang akong nabasahan na nanakit ko tiyan ug katawa..pati ko bag ang nanakit ug ngumisi..heehhehe maau nalang malingaw pud mo basa…cguroha lang na kamo ra usa k kong maka otot mo at least ikaw ra mag simhot simhot..have fun..
Some Jokes for you………….
Bisaya 1 “Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan.”
Bisaya 2 “Dili bay.”
Bisaya 1 “Kay Hipi?”
Bisaya 2 “Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o, ‘SAFARI’.”
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Juan: Bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto nya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano daw basta may DIAMOND
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juanz: BARAHA!
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Hi!hope this can lighten ur day or give u a little smile….
Pag americano ang umutot,sasabihin
“EXCUSE ME”
Pag british,
“PARDON ME”
pag spanish,
“DES PENSA AMIGO”
pag pinoy,
“hindi ako ano!! mamatay man ako!! baka ikaw?!!
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Doctor to a fat guy:from now on u can only eat animals that can swim
one week later doc asked d maid where fat guy is….
Maid: he is in the pool, teaching d pig to swim!
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Nakasakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog.
Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng
tingin nila sa ‘yo. Bigla mong naalala, naka Walkman ka pala… Nye he he
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Wife: Himala! Aga mong umuwi ngayon.
Husband: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi niya, “GO TO HELL!”, kaya
ito uwi agad ako.
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Prospective Employer to Applicant: “So, why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: The company relocated and they did not tell me where.”
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Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That’s not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
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IF ADAM AND EVE WERE IFUGAOS, THEY WOULDN’T HAVE COMMITTED THE ORIGINAL SIN. THEY WOULD HAVE IGNORE THE APPLE AND EATEN THE SNAKE INSTEAD(PULUTAN MAN INO TE IDOH).
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akakatawa yung “dirty talk” at “katapusan”
Papaano mo sasabihin ng buong galang sa kausap mo na bad breath siya
na hindi maoofend?
Ganito:
”Mawalang galang na po… tae po ba ulam nyo kanina?”
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.
ATE: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
SIS: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, bicolano pala!
PUPIL: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TEACHER: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi bumubukol ang utot..
PUPIL: Naku patay! Tae na to!
Lumindol ng malakas noon…
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…”Katapusan na! Katapusan na!”
sumagot ang isa pang lalaki…
”Tanga! Akinse pa alang!”
TINDERO: Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP: Sige, bibili ako para sa computer ko!
TINDERO: Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP: Haler! May Windows din kaya yun!
PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog
ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.
Mag-asawa having sex…
HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!
WIFE: Ahhh…Shit! Basuraaa… Kanal… Taeee… Oooh… Patay na
dagaaaa!
After having sex, panay p a rin ang hawak ng girl sa ari ng boy…
BOY: Gusto mo pa uli?
GIRL: Hindi, namimiss ko lang… Meron kase ako nito dati eh.
PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!
D next day…
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!
Aaylenay,
Olinay,
Olisam,
Olismray,
Ranyonmergin,
Manerenchay,
Oliimansotennernmay,
Sliminemenlimis,
Sliminemenlimis,
(”Silent Night” ng ngongo, try mo)
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A man went into a bar with an ostrich and offered to buy everyone drinks.The next night the same thing happened.”Thanks for buying all the drinks,”said the curious barman.”But why do you keep coming in here with that ostrich?”A while ago,”began the man,”I met a genie and was granted three wishes.My first was to be healthy and my second to have lots of money.Finally I asked for an exotic bird with long legs to share it all with.”
well i have read this from the readers digest so i just share it. i hope you have a good laugh as i did.
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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”
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Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita
SAPOL Ni Jarius Bondoc
Ang Pilipino STAR Ngayon 12/09/2005
KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw….
“Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, ‘yung katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyunan niyo.”
“O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano’t napatawag ka? May problema ba?
“Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong
parrot.”
“‘Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? ‘Yung nanalo sa bird show?
“Opo, Master Carlos, ‘yun na nga po.”
“Putris … sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong ‘yon. Hay,
buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?”
“E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne….”
“Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng
bulok na karne?”
“W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo.”
“Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?”
“E, ‘yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat
sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig.”
“Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?”
“‘Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.”
“Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman ‘yang pinagsasasabi mo?”
“‘Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo…. Tumumba po ‘yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab ‘yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat
ang
apoy….”
“Ano? Puuut…. E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Parasaan ‘yung kandila?”
“Para sa burol po.”
“Ano? Kaninong burol?
“Sa nanay n’yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu’ng isang gabi,
walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril
ko.”
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A visiting Filipino was in New York City and it was a particularly windy day. He was standing by a bus stop when the wind blew and raised the skirt of a nice American lady standing near him.
He smiled at her (wanting to make conversation) and said, “It’s hairy, isn’t it?” (What he meant to say was that it was “airy” - mahangin or windy)
The American lady got mad and hit him with her umbrella and said, “Well, what did you expect - feathers?!”
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Imagination kindles creation.
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FLY FLY ASIAN SPIRITS! You fly as asians, you land as spirits! FLY CEBU PACIFIC! You depart from Cebu, you arrive at the PACIFIC ocean!
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Imagination kindles creation.
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Wife sinampal ang asawa.
Wife: Sino si Jasmine sa panaginip mo?
Husband: Yung kabayong bet ko sa karera! NEXT DAY…sinampal ulit. Husband: baket?
Wife: Tumawag ang kabayo mo!
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Know the movie “MULAN?” Part four na yon! First episode nun “Mulog,” then “Midlat,” Tapos “Mambon,” saka palang…. “Mulan” Coming soon na ang “Magyo,” Next ang “Maha,” finally “Maraw”.
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posted by janine:)
Category: Pasi-aw | 5 Comments »
